BBG Watch occasionally publishes guest commentaries, including parodies and other humorous musings. If such adult content offends you, please read no further.
This commentary is from a VOA journalist who uses the pen name “VOA Girl.”
Views expressed are only those of the author, and not of BBG Watch, its volunteers, or sponsors.
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We need to talk.
Let’s not make it any harder than it needs to be.
It will be better for both of us if we parted.
Surely this isn’t a surprise for you. I mean, things haven’t been right between us for a long time. Surely you knew that.
Please, please know that I like you. I really do. You’re a great guy, especially compared to that guy who came before you.
When you appeared in my life a few years ago, you were everything he wasn’t: You were a journalist. You had a little charisma. You smiled. You even listened to me a little in the beginning. I liked you. You were approachable, friendly and unpretentious – and you still are. (That is why this is so darned hard!) You have a cute little smile. And you made promises. Lots of promises.
But I’m hard-pressed to find any that you kept.
Oh, I know you were sincere. I know you tried. Still, this relationship was supposed to be about mutual satisfaction, right?
I mean, you even talked about Engagement! What girl would not get excited. But what happened with all that engagement talk? We never got engaged!
Maybe it was the household help you asked for relationship advice. What ever were you thinking? If they failed to keep the house safe, conflict-free and clean before, why would they be different now? I mean, they were the ones who made messes! They were the ones who had made it necessary to make big changes! Boy, did these guys bamboozle you on that one!
I lost a lot of faith in you then, John, and I never regained it.
Speaking of change, John, that is what I need right now. Face it, I’m a wreck. I’m the kind of girl who needs someone who can lead me in the midst of a long and deep crisis. And let’s be honest here – that isn’t you.
You’ve never managed someone as high-maintenance as me. Oh, I know you spent a little time covering the war. At first, I was impressed by all that war talk, but then it dawned on me, how much experience did you have with girls there, or earlier?
And even if you had handled a girl like me before, you certainly have never managed someone in crisis. I need a master turnaround artist if I am to survive. I mean, there are people who want me dead! Even some of my former friends have turned against me. I need help! I just don’t think you have what it takes to help me win my friends back and keep my enemies at bay.
It’s nothing personal. Please believe that. It’s not you, John. It’s me. I’m just too much for you right now. You’re just not the right man to save and protect me.
Face it, John, to use a now popular saying in political Washington, you got Shinseki-ed. Your new buddies among the hired help (actually they were well below you, but they convinced you they were your pals) either lied to you about their own relationship problems or they didn’t tell you the whole truth. You went to lunch with them all the time and you listened to them complain about girls like me who don’t want to try new things, right? It’s not true, because I would have done almost anything for you if you were truly my Mr. Right. You listened to them instead of listening to me, but they led you astray, and now your reputation as a faithful partner is in tatters.
In your defense, I have been known for doing that to my paramours. And your pals have a reputation for co-opting guys like you; they’ve been doing it for decades. So don’t feel bad: better men and women than you have watched their careers and lives go down in flames after getting involved with me without changing the household staff.
John, you should know that this isn’t just me talking. Friends I still have — friends I used to hang out with in bars on Capitol Hill in good old days — all got together recently and they took a vote. And it was unanimous! They all said I was a wreck and needed a lot of help. It was clear from their biting comments that whatever good you have done for me these past few years, our relationship has become hopelessly dysfunctional and cannot continue.
I mean, I’m financially dependent on them, and some of them are threatening to cut me off! You know I can’t survive without their money! I have no way to earn a living, and you’re in no position to get cash to help me pay the bills.
Some of them thought that as soon as you heard that their vote was unanimous, you would do the right thing and immediately leave of your own accord, and that a letter like this wouldn’t be necessary.
May be they don’t know you as well as I do, John, but even I don’t want to leave anything to chance. I’m aware that you have been talking to other girls behind my back. There was a time when that would have hurt me. That was a time when I thought that may be you were the only man for me. I know now that isn’t the case, and I have to let you go. And you have to go without any delay, or any drama. If you love me as much as you say you do, you’ll make this easy on me, John.
What else can I say? Too much damage has been done. I know you thought you could handle me when you came into my life. And I probably gave you the impression that you could. Face it, I was desperate, and I put on a good front. And for that I am truly sorry. But I just don’t think it does either of us any good to continue seeing one another. I really don’t.
And, oh, one more thing: could you take the Chief Steward with you when you leave? I’d really appreciate it, and so would my friends. I blame him even more than I blame you.
All the best, and always grateful (and I really, really mean that),
Your VOA Girl
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